Has it really been nine years – does that mean I have actual marriage advice? That seems to have gone by way too quickly. But, on September 17th (14th if you count our marriage though the church) we’ll be celebrating nine years of marriage. How ’bout that? That’s 3,285 opportunities to prove ourselves to each other if you break it up into days. I looked it up, that’s over 238 million seconds. And, while I would love to tell you that every single one of them was blissful, we aren’t in the business of fabricating the truth. Take my word for it, our nine years has been absolutely wonderful and I would take every single second from our bad days to obtain all of the good times that arose from it. Our hope has always been to guide and support couples as they venture into eternity together. To that affect, I thought it would be a great idea to share what I have learned throughout these past 469 weeks – so that you may enjoy the beauty of celebrating nine years of marriage together one day too.

Be like clay.

One of the traditional gifts for nine years of marriage, is pottery. Now, I am sure there are a million ways to carve this message up to cater to every certain aspect of marriage. It really made me think of what is required to achieve nine years of commitment. And that is, to be like clay. Shapable. Moldable. Imperfect at times. With the hope to some day be perfected. Just as clay, through fire we are hardened and made, to feel like, “this is it, I’ve achieved the completed version of myself”. Only for life to cast us upon the hard surface of reality. Shattering our egos. Breaking our spirits. But, the great thing about marriage is that you can rebuild and reshape that which is broken. Rebuilding it to withstand the pressures of life even better than before. Often times in marriage, you have to be willing to say you know what, let’s fix the faults, let’s mend the damage life has caused. And together, you can build something lasting.

Grow upward together.

The second of the traditional gifts for nine years (and I swear these will not all be based around the traditions) is Willow. Representative of the obvious, both life and growth. Echoing the same notes as the clay interpretation, the willow symbolism signifies the need to nurture that which is fragile. And, in rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty in an effort to care for the life you’ve created together you will see it begin to teem with life. Which is to say, that your love wont just grow, but it will develop roots that reach into the very foundation and anchor themselves. So, what can you take away from this? Simple, nurture one another and the love that you have created together. The grass isn’t greener on the other side – it’s greener where you water it. Praise one another for the little victories. Acknowledge the effort. Take everything you can, when you can get it. Those little pats on the back are the things that sustain a long and fruitful marriage. It’s those moments that anchor us.

Be intentional.

Honestly, it’s one of the most important things you will learn along the way. Don’t just show up when it’s convenient, make the effort when it’s difficult. Go the extra mile to show your spouse that you care. This doesn’t have to be flowers every single day. If that works for you, awesome, do it! But for those individuals who get often forget to showcase their love – because life can make it seem impossible – just be intentional! You would be surprised how good coming home to a tidy house can be to someone too exhausted to even think about cleaning. Mop the floors. Wash dishes. Plan dinner and light a candle. Throw a load of laundry in the washer. It’s a great idea to understand both you and your partners love language first in order to identify how each of you receive and extend love. Even sharing that simple idea of “hey, can we learn each others love language” can show that you are being intentional in your marriage.

Take ownership.

Newsflash: You aren’t always going to be right. Shocking, right? I know, it took me some time to process this information as well. Take is from someone who’s name literally means “Winner”, it’s hard not to “win” every argument. However, what means the most to you? Being right or your marriage? At least, that’s what I pose the question to myself. “Winning” the argument while also losing your peace – that’s a terrible trade. Take a step back and think on matters together. Without malice. Without judgement and without pride. Actually listen to your partner instead of simply waiting for your chance to speak. And, when the time comes (trust me, it will come), admit to your mistakes and own up to the miscommunication and make way for healing.

Laugh every chance you get.

It’s been said that laughter is the best medicine. And, in marriage, I can assure you that it’s true. Keeping the little things in life closest to your chest and holding them forever. In this way, love lasts. So, keep making those inside jokes up as you go. Your relationship is rooted in friendship. Never forget to maintain that above all else. To be friends, laughing, loving and honoring one another. Personally, I take a lot of credit for Sasha’s incredibly edgy humor from the past 9 years. While knowing deep down, she’s the very reason I try not to take myself too seriously. At this point in our marriage, it’s the middle of the night, laughing until we can’t breath moments that stick with us the most. So, find them in your daily lives together and cling to them.

Build your house upon the rock.

This is where I might lose some of you. But, honestly, it’s the greatest point of pride in our marriage. Our faith gives us an example to strive towards. Faith gives us a clear instructions for what is expected of us as husband and wife to one another. And while not everyone shares the same religion, the evidence is clear. When we posture ourselves towards the ultimate symbol of all that we hold good and righteous (however that looks to you) our relationships will be the better for it. Lead in love and use faith to reenforce your values. This is the way to create a marriage that will overcome all that life can throw your way.

In all that you do, be passionate.

Whether you’re making dinner together. Spending the day at the beach or joining friends for an evening of pickle ball; live with passion. Now, this isn’t a call to be “freaky-deeky” (which is one of the most hilarious terms of all time) around the clock. But, it is a call to be passionate, sporadically. And let’s not mince words here. Obviously, there is something to be said about the need for physical affection. But, the passion I’m speaking about is more subtle. More intimate, and a whole lot more meaningful. It’s gently brushing hands when you fall in love all over again over locking eyes. Often times, couples share passion in the form of a “good game” here and there, simply for effect. But, even this is the perfect example of keeping the passion alive and thriving. A kiss on the forehead. Even holding onto a hug a split second longer than usual can speak volumes without whispering a single sentence. Be passionate.

Forecasting another 365.

These are the things that have helped us over the course of nine years. Perhaps, I should say, these are the things that I’ve noticed over the past nine years. And for that, I’m grateful. I have been allowed the opportunity to wake up next to my best friend every day of my life. To laugh with her at three AM when she talks in her sleep – as she wakes up midway through the conversation. May the day never come where I’m too mature to not laugh at a “that’s what she said” set up – just to make her laugh. And may Heaven above give me every single moment allotted in my lifetime to take the opportunity to kiss my wife. To hold her. To protect her and to support her in all that she does. In this way, I feel, we will breeze past ten years into an eternity of friendship and marriage.

I started writing “Pottery and Willow – 9 Years of Marriage advice for engaged couples.” As a way to encourage other couples. Especially those early in their marriage journey. To find ways the many opportunities to strengthen their relationship throughout course of their lives. And, while I’m no marriage expert. I have had the opportunity to celebrate, preserve and showcase numerous wedding throughout our career. And, if it’s possible that my advice might help, I’m happy to offer my support in any way I can. Here’s to love and marriage and all the blessings that they bring forth to those lucky enough to find it.

To my wife, Sasha. Happy Anniversary, Mi Amor. The english language hasn’t crafted a sting of letters beautiful enough to express just how you make me feel. May this love of ours be written in the book of life with the unquenchable fire of god so that it never goes out. I will love you today, tomorrow and all of my life. Happy Anniversary, I love you.

-VB